How to escape the negativity trap

Picture it: you’ve just given a presentation, and while you felt pretty good about it, your CEO left right after it was over. Now, instead of feeling proud of the work you’ve done, you feel your anxiety creeping in. The more you mull it over, the more sure you are that your boss left in a hurry because she hated it. She must think you’re incompetent. Maybe everyone does. You can’t stop thinking about it. Soon you’re having imaginary confrontations in your mind instead of sleeping. 

Does this feel familiar? 

In their excellent book The Tools, authors Barry Michels and Phil Stutz call this state of mind “the maze.” It happens when you perceive that someone either feels negatively about you or perhaps has somehow wronged you, and you can’t stop thinking about that person (or people). You keep mentally going over what they did to you, and you can’t let go of it. The more you think about it, the deeper you go into the maze, and once you enter, it can be difficult to get out. 

This scenario plays out all the time in our work relationships; in fact, multiple clients have brought this concern to our meetings in the past week!

So what can you do to find your way out? Let’s explore how to escape the maze through the lenses of three of my clients (all names and identifying details have been changed).  

Show up to win 

Sometimes our worry about what others will think causes us to undersell and underestimate ourselves. We aim to just “get through it.” If that’s all we hope for ourselves, how can we ever fully experience our success?

I work with Andrew, an executive who recently started a new job. Since then, he’s been leaving work feeling terrible about himself. He’s overwhelmed and constantly feels like he’s behind. When he met with a board member with an interest in mentorship, he spent the whole conversation hating how he sounded and worrying that he came off badly. Of course the meeting with the board member didn’t go how he wanted it to; he was too distracted by his gloomy inner voice. He wasn’t aiming to win, he was trying to avoid a loss. 

Andrew needed to take action to address his negative self-talk loop. He perceived that everything was going poorly, because that’s where he focused his attention. Andrew needed to shift his mindset. Now, every time he experiences a win, big or small, he writes it down. In the course of two weeks, he’s created a long list of “wins,” which he lists on a whiteboard in his office. While this exercise feels a bit silly to him in the moment, especially with so much work to get done, he does feel better knowing it’s there. When he experiences a low moment, he can just look up for inspiration and confidence. It’s hard to fight with data, and seeing the truth of a situation can go a long way towards reversing a limiting mindset. 

Ask Yourself: What would shift for you if you documented your wins, big or small, on a daily or weekly basis? How might this change your perspective to that of a creator?

Increasing your awareness

Leaders don’t just have to know how to find the way out of the maze; they also have to be able to guide others to the exit. How do you help a team member trapped in this negative thought pattern? 

My client Matt is currently struggling with his leadership team that is collectively caught in a downward spiral. They’re in a headspace where nothing seems like a good idea, where every solution is met with a “yeah, but…”. Once one team member enters the maze, others often follow, so if you find yourself in a situation like Matt’s, it’s important to take action proactively. 

People tend to rebel against expectations, but it’s human nature to keep agreements, and Matt used that to his advantage in this situation. With agreements, you not only can tell the other party what you want, they can then ask you for what they need. By creating these together, Matt and his team were better able to address everyone’s needs and concerns, and nip negativity in the bud. He also committed to supporting them in their stress management, helping them to be mindful of when they were at the edge of the maze and encouraging them to give themselves space to step away. 

Ask Yourself: What agreements could you make when you see a team member stuck in the maze? How will you create them? 

Learn to love (or at least tolerate) the spotlight 

Many, many leaders struggle to highlight their individual contributions. Publishing an article, doing a TEDx, even sharing good news on LinkedIn can all feel uncomfortable. In the business world, sharing our expertise and achievements are a necessary part of building a career, yet many of us hesitate to step into the spotlight and prefer to let their work speak for them. 

My client, Diana, has all the makings of a successful authority in her field. She’s a brilliant, engaging CEO, and has contributed extensively to published works. An elevated profile would not only allow her to be recognized as the expert she is, it would also aid in her firm’s success. Potential clients often check a company’s executives before hiring them, and her thought leadership would provide them with the social proof they need to make an informed decision.

As Diana worked on a whitepaper of her own, her mind entered the maze. She worried that people won’t like her thoughts, or that her business partners will judge her about how she "should" use her time. She felt insecure about her credentials and thought others would dismiss her. Diana is uncomfortable being in the light, but she doesn’t want to be in the shadows either. Her second-guessing and anxiety about what other people might be thinking was keeping her hidden away.

You can’t know you’re in the maze without some self reflection, and you can’t escape it without taking action. For Diana, that meant committing to the next step in her writing and finishing up and polishing her LinkedIn, an especially anxiety-producing challenge for her. With every action, she will tiptoe further into the spotlight, bringing her one step closer to breaking free of this maze mindset. 

Ask Yourself: What could change for you if you took a small action towards a larger goal? 

The maze traps us in insecurity and anger, and it only harms us in the long run. So rather than continuing to have imaginary arguments in your head (or with the people around you), be mindful of your spiraling thoughts. It’s your signal to take action. As Marcus Aurelius said, “You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”